Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Because this time, I have given up too.

I realized at that moment, that we have come to an impasse.

Yes, we have been through a lot, we have overcome so much difficulties, so much hicks and perhaps it had pained me that things are about to end the way that it is going to end, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after.
It is strange how I can type “pained me” in past tense with such ease, as though the pain had long passed and I, had in fact never felt anything more than a small prick.
Maybe I hadn’t treasured you enough. Maybe. But I asked myself what have I not done, and my own reply was that I had done everything and anything that I could possibly have done, and perhaps even a little bit more. Maybe you haven’t treasured me enough, either. 
But that doesn’t matter, today we have parted, and we part in peace.
This cycle is always going to repeat itself, I feel. At some point of time, that very essence just fades away, making us wonder why everything had been the way it was in the first place. All this time, I held on. I held on so tight that I was spending the last vestiges of my strength to hold on to you, to this friendship, and unknowingly I have lost all my strength, rendering me unable hold on anymore.
Like a mountain climber who keeps slipping and has to depend on holding onto that ropes to drag himself back up, he will too slowly lose his strength.
This time, I’m afraid I am too tired to hold on.
I am sorry.
I keep feeling that I am the only one holding on, the only one who really values this friendship if there is a friendship in the first place at all. Don’t roll your eyes, I am an exceedingly loyal person, I have stated that many times before. Don’t “yeah right” me either, you can’t.
At times I sit down, cry and wonder why I even try so hard in the first place. It didn’t matter, did it? It was just going round this cycle, and whenever this point is reached, the system falls apart on its own. It can’t be repaired anymore.
By the way, I do see you clearly. 
Oh yeah it hurt too, sort of. The first time especially. Amidst the confusion, I did feel hurt. It hurt. But it no longer hurts. It no longer hurts because it has happened to many times, such that I am calloused to it. 
I have thought it through, I thought and thought about whether I should even write this post. 
But tonight is the last night that I will think of you, and this is the last poem I will dedicate to you.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,’The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

[Author’s Note: Sad or not sad? Do I sound emo enough or not? I always think that my language becomes more flowery whenever I feel deep emotions like sadness or pain blah blah. God. And sorry guys, I don’t like emo posts too, but emo days are unavoidable yeah? Also, this post is NOT dedicated to anyone in particular, I just write it because I enjoy being a masochist who writes things that can make my audience shrivel up in sobs and snots. 😀 ]

kiraknightyy

2 Comments

  1. | Yeah ,, I'm also totally sad now .. Y sometimes ppl don't understand our feeling ? Someday we must prove them that they are wrong

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