There is something called the negativity spiral. All of us will experience it at some point of time.
A typical negativity process for me goes like this:
I have an algorithm for solving root causes of negativity. But that will be in another post. Causes of negativity can be manifold. For instance, if you are feeling stressed out by school work, you need to work more efficiently. If you are stressed out by your parents, talk to them. If you are missing your partner, go call them. Take the initiative and don’t sit around waiting for them to call.
What is needed to solve the root causes?
Basically for me, I need to take deep breaths, calm down and write down a list of possible things that could have been affecting my mood. After which, I will rank them according to what I think is the most urgent problem (usually something that is most linked to my mood) and what is the most solvable. Based on the ranking, I will then solve the problems.
But. For the entirety of last week, I was stuck in a negativity loop. It looked something like that.
It sucked. It was like a vortex (get it?).
I couldn’t get out of the loop. I couldn’t stop the barrage of negativity from raining upon me like some accursed never ending hailstorm, whacking me left right and center. I felt no love. I was full of hate. I was distressed, desolate and eventually despondent.
Hell, I didn’t even want to try to break out of the negativity cycle.
I was tired of being rational and logical all the time.
My armor of sanity got torn and tattered and the crazy monster within me was roaring to be let loose. I wanted to screech like a banshee, claw like a fiend and go on a rampage just hating on things. I wanted blood.
I was negative. Not murderous.
Okay, maybe a little. But more like suicidal than murderous. Maybe not really suicidal. Just, like I said, negative. With negative outlooks.
And I hated it when people took my problems lightly by telling me with almost a laissez-faire attitude that I need to sort my crap out and pull myself together. Thankfully few to none of my friends did that.
The thing you have to know about a negativity loop is that, it is called a LOOP for a reason. It is in nature very much like a vortex. It swirls around endlessly into a deep hole of hellish doom. Any little trigger or irritation just became a fuel to worsen the whole loop, setting it into a perpetual motion.
I would have included more interesting diagrams. But drawing them is really tiring, and also, I am rather lazy.
Imagine a mopey little thing dragging herself around with a sad frown on her face like the whole world has done her wrong. The whole repugnant victim complex. The utter and complete resignation and lack of self worth. That was me. For an entire week.
In between the moments of negativity where common sense grabbed hold of me, I tried to pull myself out of the whirlpool. At vague moments I almost succeeded. I tried to talk to my friends. I try to think positive. I try to list down the things I had to do. I try to read books and escape into Dystopian societies that make my own world look like it farts rainbows.
They almost worked. But then I eventually got tired of trying.
It took me the entirety of Saturday (today) to more or less pull myself together. I had great help from my best friends. Meh, YX, JY and of course JX who listened to me cry and rant for an hour, sacrificing his sleep. I realized that sometimes the meaning of life isn’t presented to me on a nice porcelain plate adorned with rose petals. It didn’t come to me in the form of a scripture of a textbook that I could buy in Popular. It didn’t come to me in the form of grand epiphanies or glowing moments of enlightenment.
It came to me in gradual moments of almost reluctant acceptance and a self-precipitated zeal for the future.
It came to me in the gratitude that I have for the people I love and the people who love me.
It came to me in small fragments of things which I often overlook and take for granted.
I know this is probably not the last time I would be caught in a negativity loop. But I know, the next time when I face it, I will be more prepared and less helpless. I will also know that sometimes, just sometimes, it is okay to be insane and illogical for a couple of hours or days – only remember, don’t like the negativity define you.