I think I have mentioned this before that I have been finding Semester 2 of university life really exhausting, much more so than the first semester. In a way, I felt that despite the greater amount of effort that I put into my work as compared to last semester, I don’t see myself doing much better (at the moment). Instead, I feel burnt out, tired, lethargic and my mind had a constant stream of vituperative whines that annoyed myself immensely.
I did a lot of self-reflection. Each time I felt completely lost, I sat myself down to think through everything that stressed me out and try to come up with a logical algorithm for my stress and problems. Then I realized something recently.
I can be appreciating everything a lot more.
For starters, I need to begin appreciating myself and the efforts that I make regardless of the outcomes. If I had tried hard enough, then I need to forgive myself for screwing up tests. If I had tried hard enough, then getting a B is really okay. In my mindset, if I had put in the effort, I needed to see the results. I had the belief that results will validate me – getting a good result meant that I was being hardworking, and getting a bad result meant that I wasn’t. Then came the greater problem: when I get a good result, I still doubted my own abilities. Getting an A for my literature essay made me immensely happy for a couple of days, then the next thing I know, I was thinking, “Good lord, what if I do poorly for my next essay?” Such is not the mindset to have – I need to appreciate what I have achieved so far without worrying about problems to come, because when the problems come, I know that I will put in my 100% to solve it.
“Worrying about future problems does not prevent them from coming, it only diminishes the worth of the present happiness.”
Using this scenario, I will extrapolate this logic to my relationship woes which JX has repeatedly been trying to assuage. He is right – I worry too much about the future and about all the problems that can come, to the extent that I overthink and start feeling upset over much imagined things. He is also right that you can’t prevent problems from coming, but you can come prepared with the right mindset. Being willing to tackle problems together and having faith in each other is one way of preparing yourself mentally.
So from today on, I am going to trust both myself and JX (and everyone else) more and worry less.
(Sidenote: I used to be trusting to the point of foolishness, but I also suffered from it, which may explain why now I am more fearful.)
Gah, just look at the cute stuff that JX got for me from Comic Con, isn’t it so freaking sweet? I really want to go to Comic Con too. Omg. Sounds so freaking exciting that I am super jelly I am stuck here with 3 essays, 1 project and 1 presentation due. Dang.
Anyhoos, my brain is kinda sleepy and all now, and I have so many more things to be grateful and happy about like having super awesome people like JX, Meh, YX, QY, JY, Sop, Mom et all that I shouldn’t always think about the downside. But again, without the darkness of the night, how can we ever appreciate the beauty of the stars?
I am going to be positive, optimistic and strong from today on and face problems with much courage. Thank you to all those who have been here for me through thick and thin, and have had spend countless precious moments cheering me up. My life is better because of your presence. 🙂