Rapid turns

It is interesting that so much changes can occur within such a short period of time, all within one body.

Today started off as a fairly good day. I slept till almost 10am this morning after playing Dota2 with Meh and YX last night till nearly 2.30am (bless the unhealthy lifestyle). The day became way too good when I ran into a book clearance sale at Big Box whilst at lunch, whereby brand new books were sold at only $3.80 each. So I spent my lunch time hopping around excitedly from one table of books to another, squealing to myself and fluttering around with my heart going thump thump thump oh-my-god-I-want-them-all.

I got seven books in the end, including Closer by Roderick Gordon and Brian Williams. I love that series. It is one of the darkest dystopian novels I have ever read and it has never failed to unsettle me.

books

The day took an unexpected turn for the worse when I got home. For one thing, I keep feeling jumpy and all weirded out (technically, that isn’t a real term, but we all get the meaning, so it’s okay.) It is like, I felt stressed, upset and really unhappy, but I couldn’t figure out why. I mean, if I could actually figure out why, then I can resolve the issue and I won’t be feeling so anxious anymore right?

So I mentally listed down things in my head that could possibly make me feel stressed without me knowing:

  • GER1000 project proposal meeting tonight. Oh yes, I seriously detest project works of any sort because it is an epitome of ineffectual discussions and hours of “What do you think?” left and right with nothing much done. Given my way, I would propose that we find out the entire workload of the project, each one take one section, finish it and then come together to fill the rest up. Like, for instance, if I am in charge of the proposal, then I will tank the whole proposal and afterwards be absolved of any remaining work responsibility. But no. Anywhere we like to cultivate the strange habit of “group work” and the arguable notion of “team spirit”. Necessary in some senses, but not the best when you want to get work done.
  • Stressed about my work. Quite. It will be interesting how this turned out to further exacerbate my bad mood. Oh and my workdays kinda increased again. *cries*
  • EU1101E European history. I don’t like this module, nor do I understand this module. I don’t even know how to go about studying it. It is akin to me trying to code a website. I am helpless.
  • Midterms. I don’t have that many mid terms, probably just for GER1000 and for American Literature, but boy I find American Literature really directionless and I have no idea how I will do for mid terms.
  • Western Literature Essay due. Oh yes. Stress on top of stress.
  • School tomorrow. ARGH. No please.
  • JX didn’t reply my messages….till much later. Probably not a real cause of my bad mood, because I know he is super exhausted so I rather him rest than to say message me when he is tired. But given my already-bad-mood situation, anything else just added onto it thereafter.
  • PMS!!! Probably one of the main things, though I rarely feel its effect when I am in a very good mood, PMS usually serves to make bad moods worse and good moods less good.
  • Oh yes. Having a bloody headache now sucks.
  • And I am very unproductive today.

So you have it, a logical analysis of negative things that can make my day really horrible. My solutions to anything within my own control such as projects etc is to adopt a more positive mindset (as preachy as that totally didn’t sound), and basically just resolve the problem. For instance, I can consult my tutors for European history. I can do past year papers. I can ask history majors how they study history. I can…withdraw from that bloody module designed by a person who wants the net happiness of the world to decrease. Muahaha. I have the power to change my own world.

Still.

I feel so goddamn whiny and frustrated and on the verge of tears from all these negativity that hover around my head like detestable little balls summoned by Satan himself.

I shall sit down, breathe and chant to myself “Nobody, nothing can make me upset.”

Boy, that is like the greatest lie ever? I get easily affected and stressed by many things, and I just look nonplussed because I seldom react violently to stimulus – usually I just become quiet when I am sad or stressed. And then go through my problem solving algorithm in my head to clear the mental cache of problems that I have.

I detest problems that I cannot solve.

The dark sky outside my window, for one, is not offering me any reprieve and its shroud is no longer shielding me from the burden of my own responsibilities. I don’t want to be an adult. I am not ready for it. I don’t want to do anything outside of my own academics and having fun – I didn’t get to have fun for 18 years of my life which I spent studying information that has nothing to do with my major.

*hides in a corner and cries*

What a terrible terrible day.

Tomorrow will be a better day, because I am in charge of it.

And thus, I am silenced by the weight of my woes, I cannot speaketh my mind for I fear a outpouring of emotions. Once started, can they be reigned back in again?

kiraknightyy

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