Negotiating Emotions

I personally don’t think I am a person who gets upset easily. Like, okay, to be fair, I sometimes get peeved and annoyed by things that goes on around me such as when people shove me repeatedly on the bus or when things of the same sort happens. To me, being upset entails a lot more. It suggests a form of disappointment, a tinge of sadness and displeasure and a fair amount of unhappiness.

The worst thing that can happen when I am upset is that I cannot seek solace or a person to vent to.

Me thinks that my upset cycle is fairly simple since it is always in-the-moment kind of upset. It rarely extends overnight unless for very serious quarrels, and I don’t think I have been upset with anyone for long, partly because I have short term memories. Think about it, why would I live my life being upset when I can live my life eating good food and being happy (and disappointed in myself when I grow humongously fat)?

I think I a mildly upset today. Mildly, I think.

I am not sure if I did too well for my modules this sem, and to be fair, I felt that out of all the literature modules, Feminism one seems like it is the only one with a possible chance of hitting a A to A- (depending on the rest, of course). This is in part with lenient marking (I suppose) which has allowed me to so far stabilize my CA between A+ to A-. Which means, all I had to do is to mug finals and then pray to the Bell curve god. Then I got an email fromo Professor who announced that our class presentation got a B+.

Hey, B+ isn’t bad!

I am not saying that B+ are intrinsically bad in itself since we live in a world where truly nothing is ever intrinsic but always relative. For instance, for a module that I put in zero effort or one that I cannot understand, B+ is a fantastic grade. I will pat myself on the back and I will whoot for joy. But for a module where every time we get back our work, all I see is variations of A for my classmates, B+ after bellcurve would go down to a B or B-. Not to mention the fact that it is something we should score, since it is a presentation that we prepared well for. We spent effort, we did our work and we did everything. Although I always threaten to kill AJ or castrate him if it is his section that pulls down our grade, I am not without blame. I regret again and again not saying anything prior to the presentation about removing the slides which went increasingly tangential to our central argument. I also regret not looking at his slides and just deciding that he can do what he likes so long as the rest of us are in topic.

The regret comes back to knock on my head everytime I try to figure out the bell curve in my head.

I know it is futile to blame anyone now including myself, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling so angsty and frustrated over something that I felt I could have done something to do better, but did not. I feel even angstier when my upset sentiments are not shared or understood when I want to rant and complain.

To attempt to seek empathy and grasp at nothing is a hollow hollow feeling, so much so that I feel that I am unfairly displacing my frustration on those who had no obligations to listen to my angst in the first place. I know that it is no fair to expect another to understand how you feel and provide the words of comfort that you are so desperate to seek, but the knowledge of such sometimes failed to mitigate the expectations and the associated disappointments.

When I express my disappointment with regards to grades, I am often met with remarks like, it is okay, it will all turn out fine, or that is actually not too bad. Or, “I hope it will turn out fine”. I suppose that the consolations that others can offer to one in such times of disappoint is usually very little, since they are not me and they cannot understand how it feels like, but would it be too much to ask for one to listen?

Sometimes to listen is enough.

It means that my emotions are given priority to. It means that despite not being fully able to empathize with my emotions, you are willing to try and hear me out and let me rant out.

The absence of such renders such a hollow hollow feeling of dual disappointment.

I know I am being overly dependent on friends and others alike to be a support for me when I am down. I have been trying to become more emotionally independent by keeping most negative stuff to myself and sharing them with perhaps the few people who I feel listen to me. I know everyone prefers a positive person to be around and that no one really likes to handle the negative energy, much less conflict. I also know that there will be people who run away when one has too much negativity in them, since they are considered Debbie Downers to be around. I know all of that, and I am trying to be strong enough to be able to negotiate my own emotions without overly depending on any one person.

I hope that I will wake up to a better day tomorrow and forget about all this transient low mood swing. 🙁


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