Okay before you think this is going to be some creepy ghost story thing, let me clarify – it is not.
It is about my sometimes occuring insomnia. I don’t know why I even have insomnia given how unimaginably tired I am after a long long day, but yes, sometimes I am totally drained and exhausted BUT MY MIND WON’T LET ME SLEEP.
It is nastily annoying, let me assure you.
This is why I am still awake at 12.21am and not sleeping because I am worried that when I go to bed, I will be awake till the WEE HOURS OF MORNING and not sleep a single wink. Which sucks totally, because it means…
- I could have watched Kitchen Nightmares in that period of time
- I hate lying around and not falling asleep it makes me feel like I am even a failure in something you cannot possibly fail at. What the.
- My heart gets all angsty and I can feel it beat way too hard and too loudly for my own comfort.
- I keep checking the time and feel more and more frustrated with every moment I cannot sleep
- I think about having to wake up early the next day and panic about not sleeping now – surely I will die in my lecture the next day
Overall, I intensely dislike insomnias. I mean, seriously, who likes them?
The weird thing is this: I don’t get insomnias often. Like maybe once or twice a month at max or sometimes none at all for liek a whole half year.
BUT. When I get them they all come at once.
Meaning, if I have insomnia one night, I will probably have it either next day or sometime in the week. Partly fuelled by this intense fear of having insomnia. Or by the fact that because I didn’t sleep well one day, so I took a nap the second day and that made me TOO ENERGETIC at night.
I was horrendously tired though I did not have insomnia yesterday – I had it on Saturday night. I was giddy with exhaustion and by 6.30pm after dinner. I fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
Means according to my now screwed up body clock, my body believed 12.27am now to be something akin to 12.27pm in the afternoon.
I don’t dare to go to bed. I don’t want to lie there for hours listening to my brain go mumble jumble and then have a cranial rock concert all by itself. No thanks. I am in control, Brain. You can’t just keep me up all night as you wish.
But I can, muahahah, smirks my Brain.
Argh. Now I am having imaginary conversations with my brain. My brain is like the type which refuses to focus when it needs to and refuses to rest when rest is due. Damn it. Then when you most need it to focus like during an exam, it gets really sluggish and sleepy.
Please don’t recommend sleeping pills. Sleeping pills don’t work for me in the one time I tried them. I had some stress issues in 2015, my mom gave me 2 pills to help me to sleep properly and I woke up at 8am the next day bright and fresh like I had never eaten pills at all. Again, my system may be malfunctioning so I can’t be that sure.
I am just typing away so I don’t have to go to bed…maybe I will go watch some shows instead.
Tootoos, update another time.