Love and Hate You

I am overly attached. I am overly attached to you because I like you too much. Every little bit of information I learn about you is carefully shelved into my memories that I recall during moments of boredom or anxiety to ruminate, again.

I love all your theories and I marvel at all the people who made all the theories about you. I spend endless hours searching for information on you online, making careful notes so that if you were to surprise-test me one day, I am going to come off as incredibly and perhaps creepily knowledgable about you.

I know I started developing interest in you since 2013 and I knew you were the right choice since then. Since that day, my passion for you grew.

But you disappoint me sometimes.

Some of the things I learn about you makes no sense. Sometimes you play hard to get. Sometimes you expect me to understand you without explaining yourself clearly. I ask the gurus and they make me climb mountains to just understand you better.

I have high hopes and high expectations for you because I like you best. It wasn’t fair to treat you this way but I invest in you most. All my money, all my time, and my whole future.

You cannot disappoint me.

But this year you are full of disappointments. You are draining me and driving me mad.

While I love you Literature, Year2 Sem2 Lit modules with their numerous theorists and theories (OH HAIL Spivak! Hello Giddens! Lo and behold Bhabha!) have made you a very questionable subject of my interest.

What’s worse: South Asian Literature Test on Valentine’s Day.

Test of knowledge? Nah, test of my love for literature.


Manichean Aesthetics – Everywhere

So I was reading this secondary reading on Manichean Asthetics for my South Asian Literature course. If you are not sure what the term means, Manichean dichotomy is basically a theory that views the world in binaries, possibly without grey areas. Like for instance: light versus dark, good versus bad.

The article applies the notion to colonialism, pointing out the series of double binds that the colonized are placed in due to the effect of colonization. One of the most crucial ones is probably the “savage” versus “vacant imitator” dichotomy. Basically, if the colonized chooses to stay by their own indigenous culture and reject colonial ideas, they are considered backward and savage. If they choose to accept and assimilate into colonial culture, they are considered “vacant imitators” who blindly follow others. Oh boy, is there nothing right a person can do.

Reading it I feel like like this form of unpleasant double bind is everywhere. Let me give you some examples:

  • A girl who is very picky is considered choosy and hard to please.
  • A girl who is easy going is considered “too easy a game”.

(I am not making the above up, I heard it from adult males, like seriously.)

Then more stuff comes along.

  • If you tell your partner something he did to upset you, you run the risk of offending him – especially if he thinks it is something unimportant therefore trivial – and he may in turn be upset by how “petty” you are.
  • If you don’t tell your partner about the annoying little thing he once did, chances are he may do it again and you will be upset again and it is not gonna sit well in the long run.

You see??

Being a human is really tough.

I have more examples:

  • If your angry mom scolds you and you try to justify and explain yourself, (some, mainly Asian) moms will see it as you being “disrespectful” and talking back to the authority.
  • If your angry mom scolds you and you stay silent – no that’s not a sign of your docility – it means you are being silently rebellious and “do you think being silent means you are not in hot soup?”

Bah. Double binds everywhere. More double binds:

  • If you tell your friends everything about you, it makes you very vulnerable if the day comes that you should fall out.
  • If you don’t tell your friends everything about you, it can come across as being not as sincere making it hard for you all to bond.

This one is easy, just tell them things you are comfortable with sharing. A quick survey with my classmates and friends all agree that everyone has a different threshold for sharing and need for privacy. Meaning, if they don’t want to tell you something, it is PERFECTLY normal. Really, it doesn’t mean they treasure you any less or place less importance on you.

I really like reading this article on Manichean Aesthetics. It is really thought provoking and though I think I am applying stuff all wrongly, it is still fun.

I need to stop with South Asian Literature and move on to Psychoanalysis. My Psycho-A is so dead.

Why I am blank

If you have ever had an experience with me whereby you are talking to me and realized that I am suddenly not focusing – i.e. staring at you with a vacant expression and nodding mindlessly, it means that my mind has teleported itself, against my will, to some far off place.

Today is the day when I become conscious of it happening to me. A lot.

Early morning on the bus, I had all sorts of weird questions running through my head, first one being…

“How are the buses in Singapore numbered? How come there is no bus 1 or 2 or 3…but all sorts of complicated large numbers like 963 and 990?”

(I went to google after that, and supposedly there is a pattern based on the area, but it is not specific enough to sate my curiosity.)

Halfway through pondering about the bus numbers, my mind interrupted itself to ask a philosophical question of…

“Why do some people have religions and some don’t? What is the role of religion in the believers? Can any system of belief become a religion through amassing a great number of followers? Can I start something like Potato-ism? (kidding) Some religious ideologies overlap with each other – so how come there is still religious tension? Why is it that Satanism is so frowned upon, since I have no idea what it entails but it sounds so scary?”

After that my brain hopped over when the bus jerked to a stop to think about how does the brake system work in buses. It is a hydraulic press system I think I read it somewhere before, but where is it hidden? How big is it? Why are there rocks in the train tracks in Singapore (btw, I googled again, it is to prevent growth of plants or something, if I remember correctly).

Right just now, I googled, “Why is my coffee so sour?”

Yes I bought a Starbucks brewed coffee and it is a true insult to the $4.30 I spend. For your curiosity, coffee is not sour because you add sugar (which I assumed) but sour because it is not brewed long enough to properly extract the essence of the beans or something. That results in tannic acid in the coffee that makes it sour. One extra knowledge you didn’t know.

How are the blocks in Singapore numbered? Are they random or are they following a system like buses? Who can I ACTUALLY ask this question to? Omg. I wanted to email the Land Transport Authority but I think they will think I am crazy…

Gosh. My brain is so distracted all the time. I need to learn how to focus.

What is the science behind focusing? GAHHHHHH!

Time Changes

Time passes so quickly and things change so rapidly that sometimes before you know something has happened, it has happened.

The first three weeks of school passed by almost in a dream like trance and I can only feel my days beoming more frantic with an ever increasing number of commitments and schoolwork.

Delay. Delay. Delay.

I have been delaying readings and school work.

Monday. Dance. Work.

Tuesday. Dance. Kcardio.

Wednesday. Dance. Kickboxing. Skating.

Tired, busy and really really losing a little bit of control over biting off more than I can chew. But, I will adapt right? My power to adapt is going to be stronger than the power of the stress that threatens to crush me! 😀 I am strong and powerful.

And very incredibly exhausted.

Glum Day

The morning today began with dull grey skies, dark storm clouds and sheets of rain slashing against my window panes with a certain form of vengeance. I didn’t know why, but despite my lethargy and desire to keep sleeping more, I woke up at 7.30am when my alarm rang.

I spent the next 30 minutes in bed ruminating the glum looking sky and feel the gloom spread from the sky into my soul.

There were always days like this where I felt dark and moody and really, just completely cheerless. I call those my down days, when my system is malfunctioning and one of a down. I tried to remember my excitement and enthusiasm that had marked the past few days – these emotions feel so alien now I wonder if I am even the same person?

Actually, there is no real reason to be glum, as far as legit reasons are concerned. All I had was menstrual cramps, a constant pulling and gurgling sensation in my lower abdomen and a pain that radiated from my lower spine to my sides, blisters in my mouth and a swollen saliary gland. A quick check online always give me two conclusions – cancer and STDs. The possibily of either is probably near zero since STDs first requires S which is completely absent in my life, and as a teen-adult, I feel that I still stick to a relatively healthy diet.

Really, who else eats maggie mee less than 3 times a year? Me!

Thus the illnesses themselves did not bother me, but the pain of it did. Waking early was mild delightful in the sense that I could start working on my schoolwork, but the pain in my abdomen and back kept me from sitting still for long.

It ached. A lot.

The dull throbbing aches fed my growing irritation and at aroun 9am I gave up trying to read and write my notes for my NM2203 and flop back onto bed to watch Kitchen Nightmares instead. I blankly stare at Ramsay go through his routine of insulting the food – “bland”, “disgusting”, “horrifying” – after which he would extend his gracious hand of help. The episode I happen to play was less than interesting, and I lost interest after a while, going back to work.

I tried to take a good photo of my notes.

Sitting back down, the pain started to haunt me again and I was so peeved. Why must I succumb to this stupid dull ache that won’t leave me? I proceed to stretch myself gently then forcefully in an attempt to loosen whatever muscles that could be behind the pain. I was stiff all over and my joints cracked when I stretched.

There is really not much point to this blog entry except that I find writing or typing a really good way to rid myself of any negative vibes. This is why I am exceptionally quiet on days when I am down since I don’t have the spoken words to express how I feel. I don’t actually know how to communicate a negative feeling? Nor do I like communicating a negative feeling.

Tomorrow is definitely going to be a better day since today has hit an all time low for January 2017.


Things have not been going well this week.

For some reason I am down with fever since Monday afternoon and it progressively got worse to this moment, culminating at around 38.3. Okay I find the fever still tolerable, at least it means that I am not so cold? Neh, despite the heat of the fever, my extremities are freezing. Why? So fickle and typical of fever.

I have a essay due on Thursday midnight and I have nothing to hand in because I have no idea what is going on – this module confused me tremendously from the first moment. Like all right, I get the theories undergirding Modernism and Postmodernism. But how do I apply all this learning crammed within 1-2 lectures into an essay and sound like I actually know my stuff? This is good training in fluffing, an important skill in life.

I have an exam on Saturday morning 9am, which means I can’t even stay up late Friday night to study for it. On the bright side, I feel that I am partly confident for this module all thanks to Sherlyn who made me did some revision early. Sherlyn you are my life saver, for real <3

I tried to ask for an extension of essay deadline but it is not going to be granted unless 5 people in total asks for it.

I don’t think I have the social influence and popularity to mobilize 5 people into asking…do I even know 5 people in my lit class? Oh wait yes, it borders on “Hello! Bye!” kind of know. Besides fellow classmates who didn’t take 19th century or Feminism would have started on this one long ago…I do feel somewhat disadvantaged, but it is part and parcel of life!

The masochistic part of me is actually really thrilled by the tight deadline and high pressure – I know! I am like so damn masochistic. I complain, I demand sympathy and empathy and secretly I am like – “ain’t no diamonds be made without pressure!” So yes yes this is good training.

I am such a positive person!

Gahh, my stomach is rumbling louder than the distant thunder – I suspect it is a serious case of stomach flu since I feel nauseated and pained all the time. I have visited the washroom more times than necessary today and I am unable to drink any water because it makes me feel so sick.


As expected, one or two of my classmates need a extension of deadline but those who even have the briefest idea disagree to extension (sobs, ain’t no one gonna save my sick and sorry asses). Again, it is my own fault for not starting early, so I don’t really blame anyone…apart from me-self.

But! Like I say, pressure is good and wonderful.

I might actually craft another A grade essay…since Dr Yeo always rejects my essay outlines but ends up giving me A anyway. I guess maybe that’s his own way of pushing me to go beyond the comfortable simplistic argument and sinking into an irrevocable sense of academic stasis.

May the divine powers of your individual religions bless you all.

And may my highly intelligent, caffeine pumped brain be my source of salvage.

Boy I am arrogant. (Btw, if you believe any of the boasting above, you need to take a class EN1101E intro to lit – it is called sarcasm and hyperbole.)

A Very Unfortunate Day 03/08/12

[Author’s Note: Please note that it would be wise for you guys to realise that this post was meant to be published yesterday, but with my mum’s hawk eyes, it can only be done today. 🙁 ]

Today is such a sad day.

I guess that would sound pretty morbid, yet an understatement of the extreme fury I suffered today. So let us start again.

Today is a really disgusting day.

Now, I have come to notice that no one really likes to read morbid posts, not even myself, but I have to tell you that morbid days call for morbid posts, I can’t be funny when I feel like ripping people into tiny little pieces right?

Sometimes I wonder if other people think of me as a real bitch, a bully, a terrible person who has no one but herself in her mind and her heart.

I would think, then I would try to wriggle out of the confines of my body and my mind, and try to scrutinize myself more clearly, all the while asking myself, “Am I really that bad?”

Let me tell you what happened.

KJW, you would have known majority of the story. But maybe you are not reading this because you are angry with me. Maybe you are not angry with me but I just like to “victimize” myself as Jumpy J. puts it.

We had to do this LA presentation on how we want to set up a school if this very rich aunty suddenly decided she wanted to set up a school like like that….person call what? OH yes Oprah Winfrey. And why the hell is Oprah Winfrey NOT a typo but my name is? Such discrimination, tsk. Aya yeah lar, anyway, this rich woman called Lossa Mani (Geddit? Lotsa Money and Lossa Mani?) wanted to set up this school, and we had to do it.

My team had:
Ying Ning

I will just shamelessly tell you that Wennie and I did majority of the work, as in Wennie did the research and planning with me, then she churned up the skeleton and the base script, after which Nehceh worked it up quite some, and I edited (tons of the script) and I did the PowerPoint because the Prezi Nehceh did was a bit lengthy and I bet she-who-must-not-be-named would not like it to be that way.

You probably wouldn’t know how much Wennie and I sacrificed, how much blood and sweat we poured in to make this presentation good. I don’t blame you. But I can tell you that when the others were MIA-ing on the first weekend, Wennie was the only one who came to find me on facebook, and discussed the whole plan with me. Then the both of us set to work, researching and reading the materials online while I tried to jot down all of Wennie’s bombastic ideas. I must say that Wennie is a very wise school planner, though chances are that if she really plan a school, all her students will die from lethargy. :O

By Sunday night, Ying Ning and Claris both sent me their parts. If I am not wrong, Nehceh and Jess did not, but I think it was okay, since the presentation was not due that soon.

That is still not the main point of my story. I was still not that mad that I had to do so much, to the extent that I did not go for my Physics Olympiad to complete this darn irritating presentation. Neither did Wennie, but she had piano exams, and she bothered to reply all my smses asking about the presentation when she was at her cryptography talk. (who in the right mind wants to learn about crypto? Oh yeah wait, I do. -___-)

So yesterday (I am typing this paragraph on Saturday), we were supposed to present. I worked really hard memorizing my script since Mrs Tan preferred us not to read from our scripts and instead have more eye contact and really try to sell the idea, so I tried my best to remember my script. Then Wennie and I spent the whole morning remembering and practicing our scripts.

Then Nehceh told us that she did not want to present today.

Actually she did not tell me first, she told Wennie who told me during break when we were with Phiephie. The conversation went like that:

Wennie: Nehceh says she does not want to present today.
Me: =immediately wonders if it’s because Nehceh was sick or no voice?=  Huh? Why?
Wennie: She says that she doesn’t know that there is Language Arts lesson today.
Me: =so shocked that I almost choked on my maggie mee=   What?!? She never check timetable one meh?
Wennie: Precisely. She says that she thought today got no LA.
Me: =looks at Phiephie for some form of explanation and she could only give me the look like “well you know”=  Walao ehs!! We already did majority of it because we knew that she was sick, and so we never ask her to edit anything, and I also redid the powerpoint, then why she does not even prepare her own part?
Wennie: She said she never edit her grammar errors, and she never rehearse.
Me: Like that one orh? I collated the script for you all, I refined it, I did the powerpoint, now, would you like for me to edit your grammar errors and rehearse it for you? =about to blow up in anger=
Wennie: Aiyah! I am damn pissed off lar. Let’s just go rehearse ourselves later.
Me: Yeah okie okie, I am bloody put off. 🙁

Can you believe that at the end of the day, I, who retained my calm and collectedness to the best of my abilities throughout this whole thing was the one who blew up?

I remembered that both Nehceh and Wennie were not happy with each other during the course of the script writing, and they took turns to complain to me about their displeasure. I tried my best to appease them, I really did. I even sincerely listened to their complaints and tried to think of a way that will make both parties happy. I remember when Nehceh complained about Wennie I was telling her that I would go through some of the parts which were more confusing, and hey, let us not let this stupid project spoil our friendship just like that. It wasn’t worth it.

But, surprise oh surprise. It was I who exploded in the end.

It was like I was more and more disturbed, more and more not shuang, until at that very moment, everything just spontaneously combusted within that little box where I tried to lock away all my displeasure.

It was then when Mrs Tan wanted our group to present, and then Nehceh wanted it to be next week, but Wennie and I were uncomfortable because:

  1. We spent hours and hours practicing. By next week, we would have forgotten what we have memorized, and have to spend another whole load of time re-memorizing. And is it not unfair that more of time has to be wasted just because somebody conveniently “did not know that there was Language Arts lesson”? No wait, is that even a valid argument in the first place? That you did not know? I mean everyone has a timetable, and don’t we all check the lessons to know what to bring the next day? And you “don’t know”? If I ask you what is the sixteen over pi and you say you dunno it is fine, but timetable???? Yooohoooo!!!
  2. Instead of telling Mrs Tan that she did not know that there was LA today, and therefore did not practice and did not edit her script, she sort of behaved like it was due to her feeling unwell. That is just like… not the same reason you told me and Wennie! Like phiephie puts it, maybe you can say, “Because I was unwell, therefore I did not edit or rehearse.” aye?
  3. Wennie brought her goddamned heavy laptop all the way to school because we all know that there was presentation today. She even downloaded Microsoft 2010 with me so that we can work on the ppt together. And you just say that you didn’t know and people would have to lug it all the way back?
  4. I did send her and Wennie sms where I panicked because Mrs Tan said that we cannot do it when Jess comes back, so we have to do it this week. Since it was not done on Wednesday and Thursday, it is of course Friday! DUHHHHHH!!!!
  5. Wennie and I knew that you were sick. Which is precisely why we did all the edits etc etc on our own without enlisting your help, and all you had to do, is really just look at your own script. End of story. 

Anyway, when we had our mini confrontation at the front of the class, it was something like that.

Me and Luowen were discussing that we sort of want to have the presentation “today” because otherwise very inconvenient etc etc. Mrs Tan heard it, and Nehceh popped out of nowhere wearing this look of hurt on her face like, how can we overlook her sickness.

Mrs Tan: Oh so you want to present today even though your friend here is sick? [something along this line lar, haiyo. Implying that we should spare a thought for our sick sick friend and not be the horrible meanies that we are]

Note that Nehceh proceed to give two small little coughs though I hadn’t heard her cough all day.

Me: Ummos, actually we did take into consideration that she is sick, because we did all the script and the ppt without enlisting her help. Yeahh….

Mrs Tan gave a quick bob of her head.

Mrs Tan: Does it make a difference whether you present today or Monday? Your friend here is sick.

[Author’s note: YES I KNOW SHE IS SICK. GAHHHH. So am I. I am sick in the mind and in my stomach. ]

Me to Nehceh: Um you didn’t check the time table? We have LA today, how can you not know?
Nehceh: (in a voice 30 decibels softer than the one she spoke to me in earlier on) Yeah I didn’t know.
Me: (seething internally) To think that I smsed you some more.
Nehceh (innocently): Huh? What sms? =hurt lamb look= I didn’t receive it.
Me: Never mind never mind whatever. (cannot be bothered to argue anymore)
Mrs Tan: So are you are presenting today? Your friend here is sick. (something along that line lar)
Me: Nevermind lar.
Wennie: Nevermind.
Nehceh: (in a small small voice and looking very weiqu) If you guys want, then let’s present today lar.
Me: Nevermind~~
Nehceh: But if you all want, then I nevermind, let’s present today.

WALAO EH! Cut the acting can! One moment ago you are the one who wanted it postponed. Now in front of teacher, act like you are the one who is being bullied into presenting today even though you =cough= poor voice cannot take it. I was so angry that I saw red.

Red Mrs Tan.
Red Wennie.
Red whiteboard.

I hate how after doing all the work, Wennie and I suddenly became the bitches who ain’t give no shit about their poor friend’s well-being. How is it that us being responsible and remembering to rehearse our script and hence wanting to present, can be something wrong? Suddenly we were like the villians bullying the damsel in distress. Suddenly it seemed like we were the unreasonable ones.

To make matters worse, when I was recounting the incident to Jumpy, she asked, “Eh, so you want to present today so that Nehceh can do badly lar.”


I was so shocked, so wounded that all my breath left me in one traumatized gasp. Was that the way I always presented myself to be? A bitchy, heartless fellow who wished for the ultimate “demise” of others, despite them being sick?


My anger turned into this cold, leaden weight that caught itself in my heart and refused to budge. How…? How could something turn out like this?

After doing so much, spending so much time, putting in so much effort, eventually what I received is not the approval or the pat on the back, but looks of disappointment and my (and Wennie’s) supposed “heartlessness”?

When the presentation was about to begin, Mrs Tan got all our classmates to move forward so that Nehceh did not need to strain her voice. That was nice, maybe next time we can extend this kindness to to Mazz (Qiqi) too? She is so small and naturally small voiced. Maybe we can help her too?

Anyway, according to Wennie and Phiephie, both of them told me that when Mrs Tan asked everyone to move in front, Nehceh proceeded to give two very small coughs. Wennie told me it was sorta fake, and from the way I heard it, it felt fake too. Like haiya, don’t be like that can? I nominate you for Oscar award already, so let us all stop this, kay?

I sound like a real bitch right now.
And by the way, bitch is not a vulgarity. It is an animal. Like if I say, I sound like a real tree right now, and I said it with vehemence, people will assume “tree” to be a vulgarity too.

That was yesterday.
Today is much better.

So let us put that sad memory to an end, and start a fresh post of happy little things in life. (:

Self Control

I know I said that I won’t blog today, but since I finished my LA presentation, I decided to write something after all.

I shall now steer you to the topic of self-control.
I don’t think I have much of a self-control, which is in essence, very very very bad.

I went down to jog for a bit and exercised just now, because I am becoming increasingly and morbidly obese, and I have so much fats that it will put even Moses Lim to shame.

Who is Moses Lim??  you ask.

Here you go, Mr Lim for ya!

Now, whether Mr Lim is fat or not is another issue all together, and one that is not within my concerns, so let us talk about MY fats instead.
Haish, how disturbing can flabby fats get? VERY DISTURBING.
Each time I run or something, all the fats in my body would jump and flap around cheerfully, making a puuissh puuissh sound against each other. Yes, that is how fat I am.

How does that link to self-control?

Now, if I had just that one ounce of self-control, I would not have as much droopy fats as I have today.It is sad and bad and and….I have no other words for it.

So instead of wallowing in self-pity and harping on and on about my own lack of self-control, I shall instead, wisely exercise everyday for at least 30minutes. Jogging, brisk walking, lalalalala~~ the usual. And no more oily food means no more prata chicken, no more banana fritters.

What has the world come to?
kira’s fats.
Why, thank you very much indeed.

Now, today is first of August, and I shall write down a…a…new MONTH resolution. No, in fact I will write down many many resolutions which I intend to stick to.

  1. I shall lose 3kg in this month.
  2. I must focus in class and fall asleep less.
  3. I must must do my Physics homework despite me finding it non-enriching.
  4. I must complete Chem worksheets on time and not face Mr Chem Tan with a guilty conscience.
  5. I shall put in effort into all quizzes and assignments that are graded because I am just that pragmatic.
  6. I shall attempt to give half a hoot to CLEP even though it bores me to tears.

Okay, that should be it. And of course, I must have lots and lots of self-control.
Remember that I aspire to do well and get into a decent JC class next year.
I don’t plan to take Economics. I don’t really see why there is such a big hype about it. In fact, I was thinking I should take triple science and Lit? But then again why torture myself with the extra science? :(:(

Haiya…..this silly Haiyaaa thing is stuck on me because Jumpy says “HAIYAAA! TSSSKKKK!” about half a million times a day and now I am going haiyaaaa at everything.

A karate teacher would be proud. I am sure.

This post sounds so energy-less that even I feel sleepy typing it. Haiyaaaa.
Shall go play Tetris battle.
After that shall um study chem.
Then maths and math worksheet.
Then Chinese.



Not blogging anything substantial today!
Have to rush out the Language Arts Script and Powerpoint. Umbridge is being dumb, and no one else knows the concrete plan, so poor me has to do it.

I downloaded Microsoft 2010, the free-trial version. Wahahaha. Shall use it for LA presentation tomorrow! Tahahahaha! 😀


Okay, I am not actually fuming as in smoking, but I am feeling cross, if you get what I mean.

Stupid children that have infinite amount of time screaming like headless chickens down my block.

Girls: -squeals like pigs with their tails cut off-

Wahhh, damn irritating!
Someone please barbeque those annoying little pests.

You all should know who Umbridge is if you are in my clique. If you don’t then just hate the Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter.

Kill all Umbridges in the world!


Oh yes and my wallet has been found.

And sorry to not do any long post recently, won’t be doing anything interesting or long till the weekends coz I am goddamn busy.

So longs, bye!