It has almost been half a year since you passed away. How has Hammy Heaven been for you? I hope you have grown bigger and stronger so that you won’t be bullied by the other hamsters. Remember how you used to bite me when I try to offer you tidbits? I sure hope that you are given a lot of your favorite sunflowers seeds to nibble on. Don’t just stuff yourself with snacks, remember to run daily on your wheel to keep fit and healthy – Mommy has broken her promise to exercise and is growing tremendously fat again.
I know maybe by now even if this letter somehow miraculously reach you, you might have nibbled it or flung it aside in annoyance. You won’t want to read this.
I have let your furriness down.
I neglected you, I cast you aside, I treated you as someone whom I turn to when I was sad but forgot about when I was busy or happy. Gradually I no longer make the time to feed you hammy seeds or pet you. I no longer clean your cage daily. Looking after you became a tedious obligation rather than one of contented enjoyment.
I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.
I was so engrossed in my own vortex of suffering and pain, trying to love someone who didn’t love me back, trying to make sense of why things didn’t turn out the way I want them to despite all my effort and trying. Trying to figure out how love works and wondering why it was so complicated when it could be so, so simple. I forgot about you whilst obsessing with myself.
I was your whole world. You were a small part of mine.
If I could I would say sorry over and over again and let you bite me hoping you will forgive me so that I get another chance to treasure you again. To buy you snacks, to pet you, to clean your poop again. But I can’t turn back time, nor can I bring you back from the dead. No amount of “sorry” and “I was wrong” would bring you back from hamster heaven. No amount of promises and begging could bring back you who have left me. No amount of regret could make you come back and give me another chance again.
Sorry is futile.
Yet, I am so so sorry.
My apologies sound frail even to my own ears.
I have put you through so much and let you suffered so much. I wasn’t the dedicated owner I once was. I wasn’t committed to taking care of you anymore. I was full of excuses, full of reasons as to why I didn’t care for you. I kept saying I had no time, but in truth I really didn’t prioritize you. Enough.
Some months ago someone gave me another hamsters because they didn’t want to take care of the hamster anymore, and I was reminded of you. I will treat this one well and let it be an insufficient atonement to you and my sin. I know that this hamster cannot replace you, but let it be the vessel where I can atone.
Some things, once gone, are lost forever.
I wish I had realized that sooner.
Your Foolish Owner.