Changing

Recently I realized that I have changed and matured (maybe) a lot since secondary one. I know you guys would be like all “that’s a given”, and yes I do agree. However my maturation and change made me rather wistful because I have developed both criticism (bordering on cynicism) and distrust of the world in general.
I know that if I were to point out to people that I don’t exactly trust people, some would look at me in shock like “what exactly made you so jaded?”, some would look at me in pity, while some would go as far as to try and enlighten me on the importance of trust.
I do agree that to completely not trust the entire human population in general is too pessimistic and too cynical a worldview, but I would also like to establish that:
  1. Trust has to be earned. It is not a given.
  2. Trust can be easily lost.
  3. Trust discerningly.

 

Most of my experience has told me that one thing that I can seldom trust are words. Words are such frightful things: they can paint illusions and lure you into thinking and believing things that are not true; they can break you and they can make you; and words can hurt.
A lot.
I remember trusting everything a very long time ago. I trusted almost everything people told me, but as time went on, I realized that there was a significant difference what was being said and what was done in a lot of people, and noticing that made me both wary and afraid of what people tell me. I remembering trusting a person deeply once to be hurt again and again by the inconsistency between words and action, and such experience taught me to not believe words in entirety- I would watch, look and observe. If consistency is shown, then I would begin to trust the person.
Trust had made me into a fool in the past, and since it is idiosyncratic of me to frame my views into axioms, I would opine that “Who we are today are molded by our past experiences. Don’t judge a person too quickly, because you can never fully understand what happened that shaped the person this way.”
I won’t go into details about every single thing that had made me into the person I am today, but I just thought that in case someday, someone wonders why I am so skeptical about everything people tells me, it is really because of experience.
Denyse told me that she, like me, doesn’t believe people easily. She said that she is cynical, and she don’t think that praises and words could affect her, because if there is no believing, there is (almost) no hurting. I personally don’t think that Denyse is cynical because I really think that different people have different personalities and different way of thinking.
I feel sad for Clarissa when she was upset yesterday, and even though I could fume on her behalf on what had happened to her, because I saw how it had affected her, I realized that I was really really livid only because my friend whom I cherished was upset by those nummies. I realized on hindsight that if the same thing have been done to me, I could not feel sad like Clarissa did. Clarissa did well to point out that each of us were different with our own weakness, and I felt bad that such a case had to happen to her. I would sincerely rather have it happen to me just so that Clarissa wouldn’t have to go through that.
I admit that very long time ago (like when in sec 1), such an incident would probably have hurt me too. Like how words of others could affect me largely, and how I would feel happy when others praised me, and how I would feel sad when I feel that someone had let me down.
Perhaps I still do feel such now, but the intensity of such feelings are so low that it is a mere shadow of what it had once been.
I had learnt in Sec 1 that the praises and flattery of most people (then, not sure about now) cannot be taken seriously. I had also then learnt that my own words (as in those said in non-serious occasions) cannot be taken seriously because I don’t really think twice before speaking. I no longer offend people with my mindless speaking, but instead, praises to others come naturally.
It is not a bad thing in entirety. I always try to see the good in others such that I could compliment them suitably, and in the process make them feel better about their strong points and also not dwell excessively in their potential shortcomings. (Okay, enough of self-praise/justification)
Gosh, I just went off tangent.
I would have liked to write more, but I really cannot remember my other points- they left my head as I was typing and I am too tired to try and call them back. :/
And, I also realized that “I am tired” has become my new front for being sad and silent, because lethargy is well-understood and need no further explanation, while sadness needed explanation. I must be a conflicted, terrible and hard to please individual because when I am sad, both concern and nonchalance bother me.
I need to improve myself and not let my “silent spells” be noticeable enough to affect others. I still remember what someone said to me when I was in Sec 1, “Don’t share your f****** pain, the world has enough pain to deal with without yours as well.”
Abrupt endings are abrupt. ^^

kiraknightyy

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *