How I Maintain the “Skinny”

(This is a sarcastic, dark-humor post. Please don’t take me seriously. Stress makes people do funny things.)

So the question is: how do you keep your weight down once you have lost weight? As you know I lost weight from almost 63kg to around 52kg today.

Recently I realized that my weight doesn’t go up as much even when I eat high calorie food every meal. For example on that one day I had roasted chicken rice for lunch. Then I had Mac and Cheese, Garlic Bread, honey roasted wings adn pizza for dinner. I thought I will gain at least 1kg the next day. But nope. I stepped on the weight scale and to my pleasure it was still 52kg. It was still 52kg the day after that day – it was kind of strange.

But you see, the thing about weight loss is not about what you eat or DON’T eat in one day. It is an accumulation of those. Like how I don’t gain weight from eating one giant unhealthy meal, we are also not going to lose weight from eating one meal of salad. You get what I mean? If you want to keep it down, then keep eating less than what you spend (meaning input < output) and after a few months, your weight will drop.

Anyways.

I stopped eating regular meals recently. So busy I can’t remember to eat. I don’t feel hungry. When I feel hungry I don’t feel like eating you know? Like I see the food (it is always the same food at NUS FASS Deck, duh right?) and I don’t have an appetite. Out of maybe the 10 stalls in Deck, let me assure you that perhaps only 5 stalls are edible – the rest have serious hygiene and taste issues. Out of the 5 remaining stores, some have freaking long queues at lunch time – like Yongtaufoo and chicken rice, sometimes even Western. I don’t like queueing – I rather eat something I don’t like. So I have 2 choices left. I have been eating these 2 stalls for a VERY long time till I am tired of the food. Hence, I just stopped eating. Or I eat very early. Like laksa YTF at 9am or 10am in the morning. Then a linner at like 5pm. Or no linner. Eat a dipper (dinner+supper) at around 9pm.

Yesterday I ate a brunch at 10am of some homecooked fried rice. Then I went to school and felt stressed all day and forget to eat anything substantial. My next meal came at around 7.30pm. I was strangely not hungry till I saw food at 7.30pm. I think I saved a lot of money yesterday.

I am running on Coffee and random snacks now. So freaking unhealthy – I know, but main meals? No mood for those when you have a 2K word essay due in one and half day and you still don’t know what the heck you are writing.

At moments like this, I want to sleep, cry and shut out the world – maybe even dig a hole in the ground and hide in the hole forever – till the time passes. But the bad times won’t pass until I face it, you know? I know life is equally shitty for the rest of you or even worse – especially if you are my fellow coursemate in the same modules. Every 3 days hand in one 2.5K word essays. Coz we are essay writing machines.

Today I had presentations. 2 of them in fact. Prepared for them to varying extents but mainly my mind was  more like “don’t care”. I am so so tired. I just want to sleep. I wanted to sleep when I was talking during my presentation. My friends say I sound very confident and calm. But it is really because my brain was so sleepy I couldn’t even have the adrenaline rush to feel anxious.

Cherlyn is my BFF in lit now, together with Brian I guess. I love her, she is so amazing and she brightens each of my terrible day in school. In my worst moments, I text her and I feel better instantaneously. I had actually given up on trying to find a friend in Lit or in school until I met her in American Lit. It is like, probably the only good thing that happened out of American lit is the god-sent Cherlyn (thank you for ditching Boring Bizz and coming to Exciting Eng-lit, Cherzzz). The thing about her and Brian is that they are so real. They don’t try to praise me or something just to make me like them. They don’t even try to appear to be nice. They are just themselves – human, with flaws and incredibly sincere (so far la hor, let’s not extrapolate HAHA).

Of course got other amazing people, but I will keep them on my mind instead 🙂

Who am I if I am not…”good”?

It has been a rough week and I have been completely burnt out and exhausted.

It will continue being a rough week for the upcoming week, and honestly at this point as I am typing this, I feel all the enthusiasm and zeal seep out of me with the final straw landing on my back.

You would think I am exaggerating, and I probably am, depending on your point of view.

I got back my grades for a module assignment for which I had put in plenty of effort – research, consultation, going through it…I did it all. Somehow, when I got it back, the grade just…sucked.

For all my effort, it wasn’t even at the median.

For all my research and work, all I have gotten back was a crappy bottom of the cohort kind of grade.

For all my enthusiasm and interest in the module…I have been slapped in the face with the renewed understanding that perhaps, just perhaps, interest and passion were not enough.

I will be truthful. The lousy grade stung. When I saw it, my heart went from the rapid drumming of anticipation to a steep plummet down a deep dark abyss. The abyss that I have slowly been spiralling into for the past week, only to be pulled out repeatedly by my best friends and buddies. The abyss of self-doubt, of fear, of tremendous amount of stress.

The deep, cold tunnel of “I am so fucking done”.

I know that the typical comfort I get from feeling really moody getting back a poor grade will go something like this: grade does not define anything. Don’t let your grades define you. You are so much more than that. 10 years down the road who remembers what you got for that one assignment for that one module? Also, never never ever compare yourself with other people.

Unfortunately as far as the construction of self-identity goes, my grades have and will always continue to define a part of me as long as I am a student. It is not just about creating my self worth on an arguably arbitrary value on a assignment marked by professors who have seen a million permutations and combinations of the same work. It is about a sense of pride that is repeatedly hurt and diminished – I take a strong sense of pride in my work, in completing it early and in presenting what I have tirelessly found out in the process. I take my modules because I am either interested in it, or I have no choice but to take it.

Imagine you went into a module loving every little bit of the content and thinking that you do know it well enough to write a good paper…then bam.

It kills you a little inside.

It sounds awfully pragmatic and realistic when I confess to myself that the moment I saw the terrible terrible grade upon my gradebook, my interest in the module took a sudden and rapid turn to intense dislike and was that…rejection? Frustration? The change was swift and fast, cold and unfeeling like the grade that was mocking me from my computer screen.

I even scoffed at myself a little bit for being so interested in learning for the sake of my own interest. Why did I ever take this module that jeopardize my CAP, my grades, my chance of a first class honors?

It was also at this moment that I pushed aside my just-started research for a soon to be due essay and started questioning myself on why I felt so broken and lost.

If everyone was right and if grades don’t define me…what does?

I felt so frustrated. The frustration extended to my other module’s presentation tomorrow too. I could be doing extra. I could be more interested than most people and more enthusiastic in researching and learning. I could go the extra mile but what I am reminded is “keep within the time limit of 10 minutes” for your presentation. It frustated me that my extra efforts aren’t acknowledged.

This has been a bad week.

Next week. Next week. I fear it.

 

Must Guys PAY for your meal?

I am once again triggered by some of the implicit assumptions that some people make about couples when I was initially having a rather relaxing (almost mindless) chat with my friend today. Then I got angry. Really angry because it is implied in his message – as far as I read it – that my boyfriend pays for my meals therefore, “Poor *boyfriend*”.

Firstly, clarifications: my friend if you happen to read this, you are still my best friend and you are still awesome but I really disagree with your statements. Yep, I sent you some angry ranty messages on Telegram because I am just so incensed.

Secondly, am I a feminist? Nope, never. Am I trying to say something about gender steorotypes or something some some some about equality and something? Maybe, I need to summarize this later because like I say, I am just so annoyed.

Here comes this burning question I am sure everyone has considered somewhere in their romantic relationships:

ARE GUYS SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR YOUR MEALS?

My answer to that is, “What the hell, no.”

To begin with, that statement itself is wrong the moment it makes the assumption that your boyfriend is OBLIGED to treat you to food and pay your monthsary and anniversary dinners, but actually no they are not. True, couples do buy each other things very very often and treat each other food often, but they are never ever obliged to. In fact, they are not even obliged to celebrate every single monthsary (if both of you can reach a consensus and agree on that) with surprises.

Meals are not obligatory.

Surprises are not obligatory.

They are things that your significant other do for you because they love you and want to show you their appreciation. Therefore, it is important that when we are treated to a meal or anything else, we don’t take it for granted, like this is the standard that is expected. I know that nowadays most guys often treat their girlfriends to meals, and I think that that is really really sweet and TOTALLY OKAY as long as both of them are okay with it – i.e. there is no prior and enforced expectation that the guy HAS to pay.

You get what I mean?

I will give you an example of what I mean by my own distinction between the two:

~*~*~*~*~*~

Scenario One:

Guy: Dear today I treat you to lunch okay?

Girl: Oh what’s the occasion? But that’s very nice of you, thank you!

Guy: No occasion la, just feel like it.

Girl: Aww, that’s so cute!

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Scenario Two:

Girl: Dear what are we eating for lunch?

Guy: Uh Idk maybe *something something something*?

Girl: Orh can, you paying right? You are paying right?

Guy: Uh, can is can la…

Girl: What do you mean “can is can”, you are supposed to pay.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You see what I mean now? Scenario one is completely fine because there is no expectation for him to pay and the guy’s offer to pay is met with gratitude and thanks – which we all know is a very very important thing in ALL RELATIONSHIPS and not just romantic relationships. You try to tell your mom that she is expected to cook you lunch and see if you are met with a spoon flying into your face, y’unno?

Scenario two is something I have yet to witness in both myself and my friends because it is not just the unfair expectation that your boyfriend has to pay, but also a lack of gratitude since you are taken it as a given. An expectation like how sun is supposed to come up in Singapore at around 6.45am and if it doesn’t, something is wrong. That is inherently problematic on so many levels because….

  • Isn’t this supposed to be a (relatively) equal relationship? (I say “relative” because there is realistically never an absolutely equal relationship)
  • Suggests that you are taking someone’s good intentions (doesn’t even matter who) actually, for granted?
    • If you don’t expect your parents to treat you to meals every now and then, how come this is expected of your boyfriend?

If my arguments are confusing to anyone who has lived their lives thinking that guys should pay…watch this video of a handsome guy breaking it down for you!

(sidenote: that guy is just melty isn’t he?)

Basically, what Matthew Hussey is saying that if you think that a guy should pay for your meals because hey you are the one making time for him, something is very wrong because that guy is ALSO spending his time with you. It is mutual and it shouldn’t be something like he needs to “pay for your time”.

So…what makes me so upset?

I am upset with the implicit assumption made by my friend that my meals are being paid for because each time we have a fairly pricey meal and I tell the said friend to try the good food sometime, he always ends off with the same comment…”Poor *boyfriend*”.

Today is the day that comment triggered a level of unprecedented ire in me. Because for those of you who know me, I don’t freeload. Like, I don’t go out expecting people to pay for my meals, boyfriend, friend or family. I always offer to split the tab in the way most agreeable to the other party because that’s is just something inculcated in me as I am being brought up. Have I been given treats? Definitely. But where possible, I remember to reciprocate and thank the person – either through treating them back or through other means – when the time is right.

I mean that whole paragraph is for people who don’t actually know me, so if you do, you would be like yep, sounds about right.

I feel so incensed because I feel that there is this implicit assumption in my friend and my conversation that:

  1. I live a high maintainence lifestyle (where food is concerned) and I am forcing my partner into it. Probably against his will too.
  2. He pays for our meals. Hence, poor thing him and ohhhh you evil YY(so I feel is implied).

Despite me clarifying time and time again that no my partner does not pay for my meals most of the time (to which I got the reply “WHY ARE GUYS EXPECTED TO PAY” which is ANNOYING because I don’t expect you to pay!!! WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO PAY?!?!?) I am still made to feel like a expensive freeloader. Not only am I freeloading, I choose expensive stuff to freeload. Afterwhich when I highlighted that I don’t freeload, I am returned with the argument of “it is not about who is paying, it is about your lifestyle”.

Now that is just more confusing. Why is my lifestyle of any kind of affect if I am usually not the one choosing the dining locations? It is not as if I drag my partner into a random place and force him to dine there. I usually don’t choose since I like most food (except for a select few + hawker centers in afternoons BECAUSE SINGAPORE HOT HOT YOU KNOW?? I eat hawker centers A LOT in the evenings and nighttimes or even mornings. That means it is an environmental thing, not a food choice thing).

Anyways. Shan’t go on and on about this anymore since I have essay plans and projects and shit to do. Sighs. Guys, don’t assume you HAVE to pay. Girls, don’t assume you HAVE to be paid for. Then the world is a haaaaapppy grateful place. :3

 

Don’t Dare to Sleep

Okay before you think this is going to be some creepy ghost story thing, let me clarify – it is not.

It is about my sometimes occuring insomnia. I don’t know why I even have insomnia given how unimaginably tired I am after a long long day, but yes, sometimes I am totally drained and exhausted BUT MY MIND WON’T LET ME SLEEP.

It is nastily annoying, let me assure you.

This is why I am still awake at 12.21am and not sleeping because I am worried that when I go to bed, I will be awake till the WEE HOURS OF MORNING and not sleep a single wink. Which sucks totally, because it means…

  • I could have watched Kitchen Nightmares in that period of time
  • I hate lying around and not falling asleep it makes me feel like I am even a failure in something you cannot possibly fail at. What the.
  • My heart gets all angsty and I can feel it beat way too hard and too loudly for my own comfort.
  • I keep checking the time and feel more and more frustrated with every moment I cannot sleep
  • I think about having to wake up early the next day and panic about not sleeping now – surely I will die in my lecture the next day

Overall, I intensely dislike insomnias. I mean, seriously, who likes them?

The weird thing is this: I don’t get insomnias often. Like maybe once or twice a month at max or sometimes none at all for liek a whole half year.

BUT. When I get them they all come at once.

Meaning, if I have insomnia one night, I will probably have it either next day or sometime in the week. Partly fuelled by this intense fear of having insomnia. Or by the fact that because I didn’t sleep well one day, so I took a nap the second day and that made me TOO ENERGETIC at night.

LIKE TODAY.

I was horrendously tired though I did not have insomnia yesterday – I had it on Saturday night. I was giddy with exhaustion and by 6.30pm after dinner. I fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.

Means according to my now screwed up body clock, my body believed 12.27am now to be something akin to 12.27pm in the afternoon.

I don’t dare to go to bed. I don’t want to lie there for hours listening to my brain go mumble jumble and then have a cranial rock concert all by itself. No thanks. I am in control, Brain. You can’t just keep me up all night as you wish.

But I can, muahahah, smirks my Brain.

Argh. Now I am having imaginary conversations with my brain. My brain is like the type which refuses to focus when it needs to and refuses to rest when rest is due. Damn it. Then when you most need it to focus like during an exam, it gets really sluggish and sleepy.

Please don’t recommend sleeping pills. Sleeping pills don’t work for me in the one time I tried them. I had some stress issues in 2015, my mom gave me 2 pills to help me to sleep properly and I woke up at 8am the next day bright and fresh like I had never eaten pills at all. Again, my system may be malfunctioning so I can’t be that sure.

I am just typing away so I don’t have to go to bed…maybe I will go watch some shows instead.

Tootoos, update another time.

The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

It has been quite a while since I have the time to properly settle down and read a book with all my attention. Usually I am so busy that even with my assigned literature texts, I am reduced to googling for their plot summary and themes. This time, thanks to recess week, I can finally indulge in my old hobby by reading Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner for my South Asian Literature Module.

My verdict?

It is beautiful, and so so very poignant.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

I have only read up to the fourth chapter so far and Hossini has already brought me through a roller-coaster of emotions – disgust, rage, displeasure, sadness, sympathy… The character of Amir is both worth sympathizing with yet at the same time contains a “mean streak” that makes me resent him.

I love how Hosseini has crafted Amir to be this beautifully dilemmatic character whom I cannot decide whether I want to hug him or slap him – his desire for paternal love and affirmation is so relatable that I feel anguished that Baba constantly deny him of the affection he tries so hard to earn. I see Amir’s possessiveness of Baba mirrored in myself as a child, where I resented my parents showing other children any form of attention or affection. I feel my heart break a little for him when he hears Baba speaks of him disapprovingly – he is trying so hard to change himself to be what Baba wants him to be, but alas, it is not in his nature. Baba – unable to appreciate the nature of Amir – pushes him away time and again, shutting him out both physically and emotionally. The pain is so clear in Hosseini’s words. Hosseini’s language has powerfully evoked all sorts of emotions in me through his short but impactful description of Amir’s stream of consciousness – his hurt and rejection, his insecurities and cowardice.

My heart hurts whenever Hassan is brought up in the story. He is a chararacter whom you cannot help but feel so sorry for because of his social circumstances and also because of the treatment he receives from Amir whom he considers to be a close friend. I feel peeved even when Amir plays “harmless pranks” on him as I see a potential for the harmless pranks to grow into something larger. Just as Hassan’s daunt in facing the bullies evoke a sense of admiration in the readers, Amir’s silence and cowardice is a cause of both disdain and irritation – yet at the same time, you can’t help but empathize with him to a certain extent.

I can’t stop analyzing Hosseini’s brilliant use of language, pauses, sentence length, intertextual references and foreshadowing that send chills down my spine. My text is full of sticky notes and highlights now and I really loved every sentence I have read this far. Never did I think that I will enjoy reading a book so much, so undistractedly again!

It is a tragic piece – so poignant that the story will stay with you long time after you read each chapter.

Manhattan Fish Market 1-for-1

A week ago Manhattan Fish Market was having one-for-one deals and I was pretty excited as I find them a bit pricey usually. One for one is like the best time to try out some place new!

We were caught in a dilemma between 2 choices…namely:

Dory n Chips with Chicken Wings

Dory n Chips with Country Mushrooms

The posters presented a crazy tantalizing shot of the food and we decided we had to try it! We went to the Star Vista branch on 10th February around 4.30pm or so? It wasn’t dinner time then so the restaurant was sparsely populated and we could sit freely. After ordering our meal and waiting for less than 10 minutes, our food arrived! The sight of it made us so excited!

Manhattan Fish Market Dory n Chips

It looks good, albeit quite different from the one you see in poster, which is to be expected since in posters they don’t actually drizzle tartar sauce – it will make the fish soggy. They usually drizzle white glue instead because the visual appeal is stronger.

However I didn’t like the food as much as I thought I would – the fish was not as hot as I wanted it to be and my fries was bordering on cold. What made the fries warm seemed to be the dory on top of it, and the process of heat transfer from the fish to the fries meant that my dory wasn’t as hot as I would like it either. The golden mushrooms that we were looking forward to wasn’t seasoned well – just bland little mushrooms coated in batter and deep fried – no distinct flavour. The side salad was dry but I have not much complaints about it since I don’t plan to eat it anyway, so that’s okay, but when I checked with Ken, his fries were warmer than mine, though still nowhere near the hot and fresh condition that one usually expects.

Although the staff service is generally decent and the ambience is pretty good too, I don’t think I will eat Manhattan Fish Market again for 2 reasons. Firstly, it is possible that the quality of the food is not consistent across outlets or even within outlet between different batch – despite being served at the same time, one serving had cold fries while the other warm fries. I would personally rather not risk getting cold fries again – why waste your calorie count on substandard fries right? Also, for $13.95, I would rather eat the Fish and Chips in NUS Royals Bistro which costs only $11.90 and tasted about 3 times better…also without the trouble of travel?

I am not sure how your experience with Manhattan Fish Market is like but this is either my first or second time trying and as far as I am concerned…I am not going back in a jiffy. ^^”

 

Royals Bistro – NUS

Delicious, convenient and relatively affordable?

I am sure all of us ever had this experience: extremely busy at school BUT at the same time CRAVING for classy cafe-standard food? I have this feeling only too often – the more stressed and busy I am, the more inclined I am to have a good lunch or dinner! Consider it a form of compensation for myself for working so hard – I really need the extra food to make my day!

So if you are stuck at school feeling obliged to mug all day but really want some better food that is not your usual food court food, you have to give Royals Bistro a try!

We decided to have dinner at Royals Bistro for Valentine’s Day this year because, MIDTERMS be screwing up happiness since week 5.

Royals Bistro – Fish and Chips $11.90

One of the mains we ordered was fish and chips! The portion is pretty generous compared to external cafe standards – for the same amount of money you may get half to 2/3 the portion you get here! Bistro’s fish is deep fried to a crispy perfection and arranged tantalizingly atop a bed of golden fries that are equally hot and crispy! If you intend to go for Manhattan Fish Market’s one-for-one dory fish promotion: I will suggest you come here for this instead. The quality between the two restaurants cannot be compared. Basically the fries I got at Fish Market was lukewarm and “nua” (i.e. not crispy but kinda stalish tough) whilst the fries here are so much fresher! I also love their inclusion of a side salad drizzled with this tangy dressing (possibly balsamic but I don’t eat salad much so I don’t know).

Above is a top view of the fish and chips so you can appreciate the beauty of a seemingly balanced diet…and a false sense of healthiness created by the greens. But honestly, don’t care because the food is delish!

Royals Bistro – Fried Chicken Wings $8

If you are there and you are ready to indulge in food, why not give their fried chicken wings a try? They are deep fried to a beautiful dark brown perfection and smell so wonderful that I almost drooled at the sight of them! For $8, you get 6 pieces (which are really 3 pieces cut in half). The skin is very crispy and well seasoned while the meat remains tender and succulent,  with an occasional squirt of aromatic juice. The hot sauce provided is sour-spicy and goes very well with the chicken especially if you are the type to get bored eating chicken without sauce. Nonetheless, I like my chicken without sauce because I like to taste the unadulterated (?) taste of the chicken as I chew them contentedly.

Love is simple and love is fried chicKen.

Grilled Chicken with Black Pepper Sauce on Mash Potatoes

Ohhhhh just look at that beautiful grilled skin on the chicken! I always have to fight the urge to tear off the entire piece of chicken skin to shove it in my mouth. I LOVE CHICKEN SKIN and I love it more when it is grilled nice and crispy but without the burnt taste. Though I won’t mind them grilling the skin a bit longer just to make it more crispy, I am still very happy with my chicken. The black pepper sauce drizzled on it is of a thick consistency and packs a pretty strong peppery punch which is pretty delightful, especially with the mashed potato. What I appreciate most about the mash is that you can tell that it is not instant mash – it tasted fresh with a good consistency and a hint of buttery milky flavour. Eat it plain or with the black pepper sauce – there is enough mash for 2 people when I was eating my meal.

Neither of us ordered any drinks as the 3 items amounted to roughly $32 and we thought we would be slightly more frugal with the drinks HAHA. Maybe we will try the drinks soon and do another post…but till then, check out their menu below (I think they have updated the menu since this one though).

Royals Bistro Menu

You can follow Royals Bistro’s Facebook page here to keep yourself updated with their latest specials and promotions! They are located at NUS Utown, next to Subway! You can access Utown using NUS internal shuttle buses (D1/D2) I think or external buses like 96 and 196 that stops behind Utown… If you are ever confused, google it! 🙂

*Disclaimer: I paid for this meal in full and I am in no way sponsored or affliated with Royals Bistro. As usual, all opinions are my own, sponsored posts or not.

Love and Hate You

I am overly attached. I am overly attached to you because I like you too much. Every little bit of information I learn about you is carefully shelved into my memories that I recall during moments of boredom or anxiety to ruminate, again.

I love all your theories and I marvel at all the people who made all the theories about you. I spend endless hours searching for information on you online, making careful notes so that if you were to surprise-test me one day, I am going to come off as incredibly and perhaps creepily knowledgable about you.

I know I started developing interest in you since 2013 and I knew you were the right choice since then. Since that day, my passion for you grew.

But you disappoint me sometimes.

Some of the things I learn about you makes no sense. Sometimes you play hard to get. Sometimes you expect me to understand you without explaining yourself clearly. I ask the gurus and they make me climb mountains to just understand you better.

I have high hopes and high expectations for you because I like you best. It wasn’t fair to treat you this way but I invest in you most. All my money, all my time, and my whole future.

You cannot disappoint me.

But this year you are full of disappointments. You are draining me and driving me mad.

While I love you Literature, Year2 Sem2 Lit modules with their numerous theorists and theories (OH HAIL Spivak! Hello Giddens! Lo and behold Bhabha!) have made you a very questionable subject of my interest.

What’s worse: South Asian Literature Test on Valentine’s Day.

Test of knowledge? Nah, test of my love for literature.

Pfft

How I lost 10kg – Part 1

Okay the title of the post is going to be somewhat misleading – it sounded like I lost all 10kg in one go, which is NOT true, because I lost mine really slowly over the span of roughly 1 plus years. Moreover, sometimes my weight goes back up again and it just stays up there for a really long time before coming back down. So I will share with you my quite stress-free, pain-free weight loss process in three parts:

  1. Losing the first 4kg (from 62kg to 58kg)
  2. Maintaining then losing more (58kg to 55kg)
  3. The final drop (55kg to 51.5kg)

So in this post I will tell you about the problems I faced with my weight when I was 62kg and my mentality then, and what helped and didn’t help me, coupled with some tried-test-and-failed dieting gimmicks! Hey I tried them, so you don’t have to!

I know we always want to see the before and after pictures before everything else right! This is quite embarrassing to even share it, but hey, no shame. Why? I was once like this and all of my friends from JC and below know it, so it is not like I am sharing some new amazing fact about myself. (Plus I have never hesitated to tell any new friends that I was once a plumper person, heh)

SIMUN 2013 – JC Year 1. I am on the right of the photo in blue.

The photo above shows me in the time where I was reaching the peak of my weight gain – I think I weighed roughly 61-62kg then, hovering around that weight and if I ever dared to eat anything more, that would be another 1kg gain. To be fair, I think I was so used to myself being fat that after a while I become desensitized to my own fatness, which is why I stll could wear sleeveless shirt and skirts.

Before I go on, I will clarify this: YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER YOU LIKE, FAT OR SKINNY OR WHATEVER. I am not saying all this to dictate what you should and should not wear based on your size, color whatever (people are really touchy about prescriptivism nowadays). What I am trying to say is that some clothes are more flattering and others are less flattering, and I am the type of person who gets very easily self-conscious about how I look, so it matters to me – although my fashion sense looks highly crippled in the above picture, which it was, actually.

Around October of 2015. Roughly 51-52kg

Then the person above is still me, yep in university in 2015 after I have lost a sufficient amount of weight and then gained back some after this picture was taken!

61-62kg: Can’t seem to lose weight

The fattest time of my life (so far) was when I was in JC. I weighed around 61-62kg then and I just can’t seem to lose weight no matter what I did! I hated it when we have to take our weight during our PE lessons because I would always be either the heaviest or second heaviest in class. I also felt highly self-conscious of the fact that I somewhat bulged from my school uniform – my skirt is always cutting into the multiple folds of my stomach fats uncomfortably.

I knew I looked bad, and it sucks to be reminded of it every now and then.

To make matters worse, I didn’t know what to do to lose weight. I google all kind of tips with my still-best friend Chang, and we both tried different “healthy” ways to drop some pounds, but none of them worked. I particularly hated it when my mom gave me the once over and commented on how obese I was.

It stung even more knowing that it is undeniably and painfully true.

Here is the list of things I tried and DID NOT work for me:

a) Slow jogging about 2km every morning 3-4 times a week for 2-3 weeks

I did this with Chang. It drained all of my energy before class and I was DOUBLY hungry during break, and I felt like I had to eat more to compensate myself for working out. I think I lost 0.5kg which was gained back pretty quickly. I also tried to do a morning brisk walk (around 40min) during my June holidays for the whole month, but it did not do anything to help much either. I was just sluggish and tired post walk.

b) Eating salad instead of a normal meal

HCJC school cafe (called “Chill”) used to sell this boxes of salad comprising of baby tomatoes and greens with a hard boiled egg, topped with honey mustard for around $2.50? I don’t like salads but I ate it for roughly a month or so because I felt it was eating “clean” and not to mention that it has much less calories. The best part of this was that my besties then – Chang and Clarissa – both ate the salad with me (Idk why honestly, they were so awesome) and I lost around a kg which was also gained back quickly. Not very useful, and not sustainable because I was starving and I wanted to eat more in the next meal.

c) Fruitarian Diet

God. Chang and my favourite – the fruitarian diet. Basically you can eat any type of fruits you want, but eat mainly fruits without any carb or other greasy, oily stuff. This diet was crazy hard to maintain because fruits bloat you quickly but after a while you become twice as hungry (at least for me). Also, in case you don’t know, bananas are pretty high in calories so eat other fruits rather than banana. I heard grapefruit is the way to go, but I dislike grapefruit, so this diet does not work for me.

***

To be fair, after I tried all these I was pretty much dejected and just went into a spiral of decline. Like I just ate whatever I wanted and didn’t care anymore. I didn’t like my fats, sometimes I felt really upset and depressed being stuck in my own body and felt super helpless in changing it.

The worst part was when I got upset and I binge eat food. I can eat a very creamy mushroom pasta for break at school then eat a whole set of western food just 2 hours later. I was stressed by the upcoming A-levels, I was stressed about everything and I just ate and ate and ate and ate in a crazy deranged manner as though I am eating all my troubles away.

Before long, I was almost 63kg and my face looks pretty swollen. Sighs.

***

First Drop of 3-4kg

After A-levels, I went on a month plus long holiday in Shanghai to see my cousin after 2 years of not meeting her as well as my grandparents who lived there. I think I was 62-63kg then.

Before I go on to tell you how I drop it (miraculously), I will tell you about the psychological shame you may face and how to deal with them.

My family is doubtlessly Asian, and as most of you might have read online, Asian parents and grandparents LOVE to exercise this notion of “tough love” where they espouse this view of “beating is loving and scolding is caring”. I would say that such can apply if you are doing something wrong like a moral wrongness, but it is very hurtful where body image is related.

My aunt for one is really blunt. When I met her, she went like, “YY you need to listen to me. You are frightfully obese and your thighs are shockingly huge. Stop eating so much.”

Don’t hate on my aunt – she was right. I was frightfully obese and I HATED HEARING IT because it was the TRUTH. I hated the truth, I hated how I can’t change it. Her words cut into me deeply and for a while because I was so helpless to change it, I hated her too. But I realized she could have not said anything and left me to be, and her blunt words were a form of care. It is difficult to see the truth of her words when it hurts bad, but I have to listen and not let the other emotions get better of me.

I measured myself around my waist etc, and the only measurements I can remember now is my waist was a freaking 30-32inch and my tummy was even bigger at around 33inches maybe?

So what I tried to do was to sleep more and eat less. It was winter then and really cold so I always did not want to get out of bed in the morning. I would sleep till 11am in the morning – effectively skipping breakfast. Then I would eat a good lunch and nap again. When I wake up in the evening, I was too groggy to be fully hungry so I ate a lighter dinner. I also noticed that the bowls in Shanghai was much smaller so I ate smaller portions of rice than I did in Singapore. I went to sleep at 9pm so I didn’t have a chance to eat supper.

#1 Eat smaller portions – use smaller bowls

#2 Don’t eat when you are not hungry

#3 Get enough sleep – 7/8hours daily if possible

Strangely, replacing eating with sleeping helped tremendously. Both of them are equally relaxing activities to me. I realized when I could not sleep in JC, I would eat to compensate myself. Now that I am stress free and get plenty of rest, I did not have to eat as much anymore.

#4 Manage your stress – find a better way to relieve stress like run or read or sleep. Don’t eat out of emotions!

Then I fell sick in Shanghai after feeling ill one day after eating at a tourist attraction. The food wasn’t fresh and I felt so nauseated and sick after that I could not eat dinner plus breakfast next day. The illness made me adverse to most food and I ate even smaller portions as I was afraid of throwing up my food. I couldn’t eat anything oily or too flavourful.

#5 Avoid fried, oily and salty food. Or eat moderately

When I came back to Singapore, I was shocked and thrilled to be 58.5kg. I realized that I was unconsciously controlling my portions and my appetite was significantly decreased when I came back! I didn’t have to eat as much anymore and I snacked much less.

Losing the first 3-4kg also gave me hope – for the first time in my life, I felt like, I can actually lose weight!!!

Me with my bestie Chang when I was 58kg and feeling like I was he skinniest person on earth

I was exuberant to be 58kg. I once felt I was never going to be less than 60kg in my life again, and guess what! I had hope!

P.S. For my classmates and friends now who say I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight, now you know it is not true! HAHAHA! But now I do eat more stuff gaining less weight, though I still watch over my weight carefully…

Upcoming post: Maintaining Then Losing More (Going to 55kg)